Wild Heart
A TIMELY AND IMPORTANT NEW BOOK THAT CHALLENGES EVERYTHING WE THINK WE KNOW ABOUT CULTIVATING TRUE BELONGING IN OUR COMMUNITIES, ORGANIZATIONS, AND CULTURE, FROM THE THREE-TIME #1 BESTSELLING AUTHOR OF RISING STRONG
“Social scientist Brené Brown, PhD, LMSW, has sparked a global conversation about the experiences that bring meaning to our lives—experiences of courage, vulnerability, love, belonging, shame, and empathy. In Braving the Wilderness, Brown redefines what it means to truly belong in an age of increased polarization. With her trademark mix of research, storytelling, and honesty, Brown will again change the cultural conversation while mapping a clear path to true belonging.”
Brown argues that we’re experiencing a spiritual crisis of disconnection, and introduces four practices of true belonging that challenges everything we believe about ourselves and each other. She writes, “True belonging requires us to believe in and belong to ourselves so fully that we can find sacredness both in being a part of something and in standing alone when necessary. But in a culture that’s rife with perfectionism and pleasing, and with the erosion of civility, it’s easy to stay quiet, hide in our ideological bunkers, or fit in rather than show up as our true selves and brave the wilderness of uncertainty and criticism. But true belonging is not something we negotiate or accomplish with others; it’s a daily practice that demands integrity and authenticity. It’s a personal commitment that we carry in our hearts.”
Brown offers us the clarity and courage we need to find our way back to ourselves and each other. And that path cuts right through the wilderness. Brown writes, “The wilderness is an untamed, unpredictable place of solitude and searching. It is a place as dangerous as it is breathtaking, a place as sought after as it is feared. But it turns out to be the place of true belonging, and it’s the bravest and most sacred place you will ever stand.”
Brené Brown — 2018
Pg. 5
“In an interview with Bill Moyers that aired on public television in 1973, Dr. Angelou said:
You are only free when you realize you belong no place—you belong every place—no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great.
Pg. 155
Wild Heart
I wish there was a secret handshake for the wild heart club. I love that kind of stuff. I want the payoff for braving the wilderness to some kind of ritual or symbol that says, I’m part of this wild heart club. I know what it means to stand alone and brave the criticism, fear, and hurt. I know the freedom of belonging everywhere and nowhere at all. The reward is great, but believe me, when Maya Angelou said “the price is high”—she was not kidding. I have made this quest and I have the scars to prove it.
But the wilderness doesn’t issue membership cards. A wild heart is not always something you can always see—and yet it is our greatest spiritual possession. Remember Carl Jung’s words about paradox: “The paradox is one of our most valuable spiritual possessions…only the paradox comes anywhere near to comprehending the fullness of life.” Learning how to navigate the tension inherent in the four practices and the many paradoxes outlined in this book is a critical piece of addressing our current spiritual crisis.
The mark of a wild heart is living out the paradox of love in our lives. It’s the ability to be tough and tender, excited and scared, brave and afraid—all in the same moment. It’s showing up in our vulnerability and our courage, being both fierce and kind.
A wild heart can also straddle the tension of staying awake to the struggle in the world and fighting for justice and peace, while also cultivating its own moments of joy. I know a lot of people, myself included, who feel guilt and even shame about their own moments of joy. How can I play on this gorgeous beach with my family while there are people who have no home or safety? Why am I working so hard to decorate my son’s birthday cupcakes like cute little Despicable Me minions when there are so many Syrian children starving to death? What difference do these stupid cupcakes really make? They matter because joy matters.
Whether you’re a full-time activist or a volunteer at your mosque or local soup kitchen, most of us are showing up to ensure that people’s basic needs are met and their civil rights upheld. But we’re also working to make sure that everyone gets to experience what brings meaning to life: love, belonging, and joy. These are essential, irreducible needs for all of us. And we can’t give other people what we don’t have. We can’t fight for what’s not in our hearts.
Again, the key to joy is practicing gratitude. I’ve interviewed people who have survived serious trauma ranging from loss of a child to genocide. What I’ve heard over and over from fifteen years of hearing and holding their stories is this: When you are grateful for what you have, I know you understand the magnitude of what I have lost. I’ve also learned that the more we diminish our own pain, or rank it compared to what others have survived, the less empathic we are to everyone. That when we surrender our own joy to make those in pain feel less alone or to make ourselves feel less guilty or seem more committed, we deplete ourselves of what it takes to feel fully alive and fueled by purpose.
And, sometimes, when we can’t acknowledge the pain of others while experiencing our own joy, we close our eyes, insulate ourselves, pretend there’s nothing we can do to make things better, and opt out of helping others. This ability to opt out of suffering and injustice or pretend everything is okay is the core of privilege: Today I choose not to acknowledge what’s happening around me because it’s too hard. The goal is to get to the place where we can think, I am aware of what’s happening, the part I play, and how I can make it better, and that doesn’t mean I have to deny the joy in my life.
A wild heart is awake to the pain in the world, but does not diminish its own pain. A wild heart can beat with gratitude and lean in to pure joy without denying the struggle in the world. We hold that tension with the spirit of the wilderness. It’s not always easy or comfortable—sometimes we struggle with the weight of the pull—but what makes it possible is a front made of love and a back built of courage
If we go back to the definition of true belonging, we can see that it’s built on a foundation of tensions and paradoxes:
True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.
Pg. 161
The resilience that comes from the scrutiny of the wilderness and that “stronger sense of when we’re not being true to what we think is right” is the mark of a wild heart. Imagine an organization where a critical mass of people are leading and innovating from a wild heart, rather than following suit, bunkering up, and being safe. We need a wild heart revolution more than ever.
Pg. 162
If you have strong political opinions, something in here will probably frustrate you. I know there will be lots of disagreement and debate. I hope so. And I hope we’ll be fierce and kind with one another.
This is not a call to stop advocating, resisting, or fighting. I will do all three and hope you will too. Our world needs us to show up and stand up for our beliefs. I just hope we’re civil and respectful. When we degrade and diminish our humanity, even in response to being degraded and diminished, we break our own wild hearts.
Of all the calls to courage that I’ve asked readers to answer over the last decade, braving the wilderness is the hardest. It can hurt the most. But, as the quote from Maya Angelou reminds us, it’s the only path to liberation.
You are only free when you realize you belong no place—you belong every place—no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great.
I’ll leave you with this. There will be times when standing alone feels too hard, too scary, and we’ll doubt our ability to make our way through the uncertainty. Someone, somewhere, will say, “Don’t do it. You don’t have what it takes to survive the wilderness.” This is when you reach deep into your wild heart and remind yourself, “I am the wilderness.”
Brown, Brené, Ph.D., LMSW, Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone, Random House, New York, 2017